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IF YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS MORE THAN YOUR HUSBAND YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

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By Casey Mullins

If you want your marriage to survive now that you have kids, then you MUST read this. I must say I love my kids very much, but I do not love them more than my husband!

The love I have for my husband is deeper and more exciting than the love I have for my kids. He is my lover, my confidant, and my biggest fan. I am the same for him. It is so clear to me as a wife, mother, and psychologist that if I do not have a strong, healthy, and connected marriage, my mothering abilities are not on track.

Many of the couples with younger children that I see in my private practice find themselves exhausted, angry, and disconnected in their marriage. This is often because the woman focuses on the kids while the husband throws himself into his work.

This may seem like a good idea for a time, but as this goes on, the relationship will begin to suffer greatly. When we get married and before we have kids, as couples, we have the time, energy, and money to devote to our relationship.

We go out to dinner and a movie without a second thought. We can have sex any time without worrying if a baby will wake up or a toddler will come crashing through the door. Once kids enter the picture, we forget what being loved and honored by our partner (without spit up on us) feels like.

The mistake many moms make is they believe that if they are a good mother, their husband will be fine and he will understand.

In reality, the husband may feel pushed out of the parenting role and begrudgingly give up trying to have a relationship with his wife. As a result, they each become resentful of what the other “isn’t” doing in regards to both the kids and the marriage.

In this scenario, the man will continue to retreat and do less and less for the kids, while the woman becomes angrier at this turn of events. She then gives less and less energy to her spouse, which makes him disconnect further and further.

The descent into divorce has begun.

One of the mistakes reality parents Jon and Kate Gosselin made was “putting their kids first.” Every time I heard them say that phrase, it was like nails on a chalkboard to my ears. If they had just devoted some time to their relationship, I believe they wouldn’t have found themselves divorcing and creating such trauma and drama for the entire family.

Good mothers and fathers must start by being a good wives and husbands.

If your emotional needs are not being met by your husband, you will try to fulfill these needs through your kids or elsewhere, which isn’t healthy or positive for the marriage or for your kids. Your husband will also reach outside the marriage to get his emotional and physical needs met. Remember, your esteem as a partner is not the same as your esteem as a parent, but they do directly impact each other.

Do not think your marriage can survive until the children are 18 and off to college unless you start dedicating real time and real energy to your relationship.

I always tell my couples that you are not just setting an example as a mother and father, but even more importantly, your children are watching you to see what being a good wife and husband means.

 

True Love

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Ok – A friend of mine recently asked me about this subject.

Why do you think some Black men cross over once they reach a certain level of success? Is it just a status quo thing or is it deeper than that?

Does it matter?

What (if anything) has the Black woman done to contribute to this tragedy and what do you think are viable solutions?

Room 805 or 508?

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There is currently a 50% divorce rate in America (in & out of the church)
70% of those divorces are filled by women.
I guarantee in 50% of those divorces filled by women, what exactly happened is still a mystery to the man.

How can I make such a definitive statement? Because men and women think about things differently, and therefore they speak totally different languages. Men’s first language is logic. Women’s first language is emotion. NO! I am not saying men are logical and women are illogical. See what I mean – I said FIRST language.

It simply means that when looking at a problem most men are going to try to calculate the shortest distance between two lines and quite possibly without taking into account his or your feelings. Don’t be mad, and call us stupid, we are wired that way and guess who installed the wiring. Believe it or not, women do the exact same thing, EXCEPT they are approaching the solution from a different starting place than men. So in their calculations, they may accommodate for “pit stops” and turns i.e considering their feelings in determining the best way to reach the end point that men in general do not.

It is a well-known fact that many women expect their men to be psychic’s in a relationship when things are GOOD and when men fail at correctly interpreting hints, signals and even statements there are problems.

Be honest!

This unfair expectation of men becomes an even bigger problem when there are disagreements because now bitterness, anger, unforgivness, and resentment are in the picture.

“You so smart, you figure it out.”

“I have already told you, I’m not telling you again.”

Her – “You said xyz.”
Him – “But that’s not what I meant.”
Her – “Well, you should have said what you meant.”

Any of those sound familiar?

None of these kind of statements, help solve the problem. Especially when they are laced with shots, expletives and put downs. In most cases what was meant was actually said but the words used may have been interpreted in a negative way because you were upset and filtering it through the lenses of all the other things that he has ever done wrong in the relationship. (also not fair)

A problem STATED is a problem SOLVED.

It is not even about who is right or wrong. Through personal experience, I have come to the realization that it is possible for both parties to be right in an argument. How is that possible? Before I tell you, think about the last few arguments you had that really didn’t get solved. Got them? Now since you are not in the heat of the battle, see if you can apply this one little tid bit of information and see if the problem could have been solved.

Here goes.

The reason why both of you could have been 100% right in your disagreement is because even though you were addressing and talking about the SAME PROBLEM you were talking about TWO DIFFERENT THINGS concerning that problem.

Think about it. Most problems are a little complex, which means they may have multiple facets or layers to come to a solution. I’m thinking of a hotel with 10 floors. You are in the same hotel (problem) but you are on floor 8 and he is on floor 5. You are saying the third door on the right is 805 has two beds, two tv’s, two lamps, a chair and a refrigerator which is absolutely, positively, 100% right.

And he is saying the third door on the right is 508 and it only has a king size, one chair, one tv, one lamp, and a refrigerator which is also absolutely, positively, 100% right. Again both of you are in the same hotel, both of you are talking about rooms, there are the same elements in each room (beds, tv’s, lamps, chairs etc.) but you are not talking about the exact same room or part of the problem.

He may have looked at you a certain way and because of either your internal thoughts of yourself (thinking your fat) or what you think he thinks about you (because he has said something about your weight before) you interpreted his look as disgust when disgust was the furthest thing from his mind.

And this is why I can make that definitive statement that 50% of those divorce filings were based on the woman talking about room 805 and the man to this day has no idea what she was talking about. And if BOTH parties would have just taken the time to calm down and MAKE THAT EXTRA EFFORT to come to each other’s floor they might still be married today.

The power of life and death are literally in the tongue.

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Have you ever wondered why men don’t talk much in a relationship and really don’t open up their inner soul like you crave them to or like other women do?

Is your relationship dead with no hope in sight of recovering what you once had?

One answer may be found in Proverbs 14:1

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

The true meaning of this text can easily get lost in the translation.

If a man ventures to show you ANY of his vulnerabilities by expressing one of his emotional needs, one of his struggles, one of his hurts or lingering inner pains, one of his fears, one of his many mistakes

and in a time of anger you bring that up, throw it back in his face and try to use that knowledge as means of taunting him, mocking him or to exploit that fact that he has emotional needs, struggles, hurts, fears makes mistakes as weaknesses

He will instantly grow bones of Adamantium and his ability to show compassion and his desire to even attempt to fulfill your emotional needs will die a record death with the words you utter.

And he will inevitably find solace in something or someone else.

A broader understanding of Proverbs 14:1

Every wise woman buildeth up her man: but the foolish plucketh him down with her words.

The power of life and death are literally in the tongue.

Someone Who Loves Me for Me

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Morning Respecters!

Ok so in my short experience I have heard more women say this than men and personally I think it is in the top 5 of most destructive statements that can be made in a relationship but since I am of the Male species I realize I may be misinterpreting it

So I am asking you?

WHAT E. X. A. C. T. L. Y. DO YOU MEAN WHEN A WOMAN STATES…

I want someone who loves me for who I am?
(please make it as personal as possible)

ITS NOT MY FAULT!

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ITS NOT MY FAULT!

It has been said behind every good man is a good woman…

While in a very involved discussion with young people about the Biblical invalidity of dating, I stumbled upon this quote and revelation.

What started with the Willie Lynch slave indoctrination tactics to psychologically reverse the roles of Black men and women and presently perpetuated through the capitalist government driven American educational system , the Feminist movement has caused this age old concept to be rejected by directing the focus on the word “behind.” As a result, even though the statement really has nothing to do with proximity, Black women every where have sought to come from “behind” their men and become Strong Independent Black Women.

Each girl being systematically taught (tricked) for 16 or more years, into thinking that getting a degree, a job, and having their own money so they don’t have to depend on or need a man is something that every woman should strive for.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with a woman having all these things, when a woman becomes a wife, not just the rules but the entire game changes.

Many woman who have becomes wives think it is of no consequence whether or not they support their husband in his business or ministry endeavors. They hold on to their careers and educational background without realizing the detrimental effect it has on the overall trajectory of their life and even happiness.

If she is not actively involved or worse a major source of discouragementand he ends up not being successful, she tends to think that she is released from any responsibility related to his lack of success. ITS NOT MY FAULT! And any attempt by him to address this a contributing road block to his success will be met with strong opposition and dismissed as trying to shift blame or him not taking responsibility for his own actions.

But does it matter?????

WHOSE FAULT IS IT?

Just think if Noah’s wife did not support the building of the Ark…

A Pastor’s wife didn’t attend his church.
Malcomb’s wife didn’t want to adhere to muslim principles
A basketball players wife never attended his games.
Martin’s wife did not believe in nonviolent protest.
A writer’s wife never #read his books
Barack’s wife didn’t believe a “half” Black man could be president
A speaker’s wife never went to hear his speeches

I am beginning to think that SOME of these horrible stories we hear of a Black man upon finally finding an acceptable level of success ending his marriage of umpteen years to connect with someone else are not just stories of someone being greedy, unsatisfied, or looking for a status symbol.

SOME of them may be as a result of him looking back over his life long struggle and realizing more than institutional racism, more than injustice or an unfair playing field, more than race based systematic redirection of funding and opportunity, more than the white privilege mindset of our White male dominated society, the one he pledged his life to have and to hold for better and for worse for richer and for poorerin #sickness and in #health was the greatest hinderance to his success and “Pursuit of Happyness.”

“A man can conquer the world if his woman thinks he can.”

Ryan E. Poole
Relationship #Artist

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received

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Some of the best advice I’ve ever received.

When you get married there are six people living in the house.

Who he thinks he is.
Who you think he is.
Who he really is.

Who you think you are.
Who he thinks you are.
Who you really are.

And those six people are constantly battling for the supremacy.

Who does he think he is talking to me like that? SOUND FAMILIAR?

The key to marital peace is learning how to QUICKLY detect which 2 people are speaking in any situation.

What’s yours?

James Fortune & FIYA

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Listening to James Fortune & FIYA testimony about his journey through domestic violence I learned that there are 19 forms of abuse. Physical and Emotional being two of the more prominent ones.

Another one that has become a more recent from women is Financial abuse. Meaning the wife makes more than the husband and uses money as a weapon when disagreements arise. Believe it or not, the system has been stacked against the success of the Black Man.

I know there are people out there that would tell you that there is no such thing as conspiracies. That Black men are just whining and complaining about “The Man.” But there are and it starts as early as the fourth grade as our test scores are reviewed to decided how many new prisons should be built. It’s called the school to prison pipeline. Not being encouraged to excel in school or make the grades to go to higher levels of education results in lower paying jobs. Even with higher education levels the job market still has a steel ceiling. OR without solid male guidance in the home, dumb legal mistakes that are all to ready to invite him into the system which hardens the steel ceiling.

Sound like disconnected rhetoric and self-defeating pity. Ladies don’t turn a blind eye to struggle of Black men like White people turn a blind eye to racism.

I’m thinking that this phenomenon has direct ties to the feminist movement but

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!

 

Watching Family Matters TV

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Watching Family Matters TV with my 10 year old (because clean wholesome Family oriented viewing is far and few between these days) but just watching Urkle’s interaction with Laura I was reminded of some of my younger days of disappointment.

I remember one Laura who wouldn’t give me the time of day for our first 3 years of high school. I wasn’t really pursuing her but she used to treat me like a Steve. I don’t remember exactly how but our Senior year I managed to get her number and we started talking. After a couple of months of pleasant conversation, I asked her to go to prom with me and she agreed. She stood me up and even though we both ended up at the prom, we weren’t together and because of her friends, she even acted like she didn’t know me or had not been talking on the phone with me for the last couple of months. 🙁

I remember another Laura that I really really liked. I recently bumped into her at a function and we were reminiscing about school daze. I said something about how she played me to the left and she tried to tell me “she had no idea that I liked her in school.” WHAAAA??? REALLY??? – Like that is the story you are going to go with? The WHOLE school knew it. I mean like all couple of thousand of them. :/

She knew!

I wasn’t quite as bad as Steve but when I return to the town I went to High School in and bump into some of those Laura’s I used to chase, I am always amused at how at they react when they see the man I have become today. More than a few have expressed regret for not taking me seriously because compared to some of the knuckleheads they played me to the left for who used and abused them and even some of the ones the ended up married to and now divorced from, I was clearly the one who got away. I just smile and think to myself -Yes Yes – It could of have been you I’m taking selfies with today….

But today, when I hear ladies complain about the shortage of “GOOD MEN,” I always want to interrupt them and ask, so how many Urkles have you trampled on without a second thought? 🙂

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BIG POPPA!

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1 Peter 3:

5) For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6) Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

In Biblical times the man was King and lord of his house. Today, it might sound a little weird calling your man “lord” but find a term of position, respect, and endearment that you reserve only for him and wear it out.

Big Daddy, Poppy, Your Highness, Your Majesty whatever your’re comfortable with. I can hear some of you sisters now, saying ain’t no way. I’ll even give you a WTHDHJS But remember this is about doing whatever it takes for your relationship to RIP.

And if you learn how to do it without patronizing him you will be surprised at the blessings it will bring. Do you think that loving your man that way is beneath you? I know, your saying, He’s a grown (bleep) man, I shouldn’t have to stroke his ego like that. But it is not about his ego, well maybe it is a little but his ego is not the primary target, his feeling respected more than President Obama, is.

I remember a Twitter trend a while back- “3 words during sex” people said things like “yes yes yes” ” do it harder” etc. my tweet was”

Ohhhhh! Mr. President” 🙂

I remember having a conversation with my wife about ONE of the reasons SOME Black men seek to be pastors even though it may not be readily evident that they have been given that particular gift. We determined that it is one of the only places on earth where the Black man can get >>> unconditional respect. <<< I mean think about the pastor of your church. When you are at church, do people call them by their first name? More than likely you call him Pastor or some other official title. Think about how young or old, member or visitor, man or woman go out of their way just to shake his hand. Now think about the women of the church. The food they bring him. The hugs they give him. The gifts they give him. They gifts they are “willing” to give to him. I mean every week hundreds even thousands of people are literally hanging on his every word.

All the while almost everyone he talks to either starts or ends their statement with Sir, Pastor, Bishop, Overseer, Elder, Man of God, Reverend Deacon Dr. etc… Even his close friends will be careful to call him by his title while they are at church. (at least they should) The point is his position commands respect as if he is a King on his throne. Now translate that to your home. Your man is the “King” of your home. Even if he does not always act kingly that is still the position and you should go out of your way to treat him as such. And it can start with something as little as what you call him when he is in his castle.

I hear some of you saying, well he doesn’t treat me like a queen, why should I treat him like a king and the answer is very simple. Because he is the King. I saw this meme on FB and I think it applies perfectly here.

“Men deserve for you to treat them like a king every day. You can’t expect him to treat you like a Queen if you are treating him like a servant.”

So does he love it when you call him big poppa? You bet he does and he will show it in more ways than one.

Just try it and see what happens. When he is in his man cave, put on something tre’ sexe’ and ask for permission to come into his presence.

The next time you are out for a present, buy him a special scepter to keep in his cave.

The next time you are watching T.V. instead of sitting on the other chair or even next to him, sit at his feet and rub them for a while and ask his highness if he needs anything else at the present for his happiness.

Call him “Big Poppa” and #RIP