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Limerence vs. Love

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Limerence does not equal Love.

Limerence – yeah I had to look it up too.  But I will save you the trouble.

“Limerence: the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.”

Another writer defines it as

“an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest”

Heck why not just say “infatuation.”   As I kept reading I found out that infatuation as more of an immature passing kind of connotation.   But limerence is supposedly the more mature version and is actually described is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of love.

So here it is….

You ready for it?

If say you want somebody to love you for who you are then what you are looking actually looking for is limerence and not love. 

There it is #WTHDHJS

Wooooosaaaaaahhhhh

Breath deeply and count to 11

Now walk with me.

Notice the characteristics – involuntary, intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive CONTINGENT on perceived emotional reciprocation FROM the object of interest.

K so lets break this down word for word.  I say word for word because words mean different things to different people, so without working definitions of the words or some kind of common understanding of what we are dealing with we can never arrive at any kind of conclusion.

So heeeeerrrreeeee we goooooo!

involuntary: done without will or conscious control or done against someone’s will
intrusive: causing disruption or annoyance through being unwelcome or uninvited
obsessive: the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc. (had to use obsession)
compulsive: resulting from or relating to an irresistible urge, especially one that is against one’s conscious wishes.
contingent: depending on something else that might or might not happen.
perceived: to recognize, discern, envision, or understand.
emotional: arousing or characterized by intense feeling or having feelings that are easily excited and openly displayed.
reciprocation: to make a return, as for something given.
object: a material thing that can be seen and touched.
interest: the feeling of a person whose attention, concern, or curiosity is particularly engaged by something: (the object)

No lets apply that to today’s #WTHDHJS

I’ll state again so that it is fresh in you memory.

If say you want somebody to love you for who you are then what you are actually looking for is limerence and not love. 

Involuntary:
Do you want somebody to love you without consciously making a choice to love you or against their will?  Think about it. I’ll give you an example.  If you and your man were acting married before you got married and you got pregnant.  He might marry you because it is the right thing to do and not because he truly loves you.  Or you guys may have been together for so long that you became good friends and it just seemed like the thing to do.  Or because everybody else around you kept saying you made a great couple. Or here’s a hard one – because you prayed and God told you too. (we will circle back to that one.,)

Wouldn’t you rather have someone who wanted to love you with out any of those external factors?      i.e by choice?

What if things that happened in your past made you unhappy, uncertain, mean, contentious, unfeeling, angry, hard hearted, uncaring, uncompassionate, unforgiving, unloving, unlovable, unlovely, I could go on but you should get the point.

Do you want someone to love all those unlovely things about you.  No one will voluntarily stay in a relationship with a woman like that.  They may start it, they may stick with it hoping for change or that they can change you.  But eventually all of that poisonous venom will wear down the strongest man’s love because it is love that begets love.  If he pours out his love on you as you are but you are looking to stay the way you are and expect him to take or leave what you give you are not reciprocating you are just consuming.

I know all kinds of red flags about how off base I am are coming into your head but stay with me.

Intrusive:
Do you really want an intrusive man.  One that becomes

But in essence what you are saying is not only does he have to love you for who you are, you are not willing to change for the better to become lovable.  Otherwise you would say something more like I want someone who accepts me for who I am (including your past) but loves me for who I am becoming or going to be (future).

Because you were raised a certain way, on drugs, used to prostitute, was raped, abused or cheated on or whatever terrible things that we men tend to cripple you with why would you want to someone to love you that way?  Those should be things you are not looking to hold on to nor are those things to love.  It is damaging not only them but to you.

I know the first thing that is coming to your mind is but that’s not what a woman means when she says that.

But what have you every thought about what you are actually saying.

Cheerleading 101

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boycheersHave you ever noticed that there are not any all-male cheerleading squads at games where all women are playing?

You might be surprised to learn that at its inception in the mid-1800’s, cheerleading was an all-male sport.  Characterized by gymnastics, stunts, and crowd leadership, cheerleading was considered equivalent in prestige to an American flagship of masculinity, football.  As the editors of Nation saw it in 1911:

“…the reputation of having been a valiant “cheer-leader” is one of the most valuable things a boy can take away from college.  As a title to promotion in professional or public life, it ranks hardly second to that of having been a quarterback.*”

Indeed, cheerleading helped launch the political careers of three U.S. Presidents.  Dwight D. Eisenhower, Franklin Roosevelt, and Ronald Reagan were cheerleaders. Actor Jimmy Stewart was the head cheerleader at Princeton. Republican leader Tom DeLay was a noted cheerleader at the University of Mississippi.

What happened?

Why are 99% of cheerleading squads today made of all females?

Here’s another interesting piece of history – Women were mostly excluded from cheerleading until the 1930’s.

Without giving a history lesson, when WW1 started it didn’t leave many men in the country to cheer so women filled in the vacancy.  There was a bit of a power struggle to get males back into it after WW1 but after WW2 started, women as cheerleaders were here to stay.

There are debates about the validity of cheerleaders today based on the objectivity of women that it represents.  Something about how the way they dress makes men look at women more like objects than women.  I have personally never played a team sport in school where cheerleaders were required, so I haven’t experienced playing a game and having a bunch of females screaming out cheers for me to do the impossible.   But even from the sidelines, cheerleaders or the dance team are sometimes more fun to watch than the game.   Anyway, if you are playing the game you are supposed to be focused on the game so how could you really look at the objects… I mean the ladies on the sideline screaming your name.

Anyhoo…

cheerleaderToday, cheerleaders not only cheer from the sideline, they are an integral part of almost every sport, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders being some of the most famous.  They even have cheerleader lingerie now.  From a some women’s point of view, you may think there is something wrong with a grown (donkey) man wanting to see a woman dressed in what could get mistakingly associated as a woman dressing as a little girl.  But the cheerleaders for major sports are grown, women.  But lest we get sidetracked.

Have you ever thought about why the sport of cheerleading as progressed from the field or the court to the bedroom?

Without doing a survey, my uneducated guess is that EVERY man wants a woman on the sideline screaming “you can do it!”  So much so that even if your past cheerleading age or shape you man STILL may want you to dress like one at home.  #WTHDHJS

Are you surprised?

Don’t be.  Whether he has requested it or not trust me,  deep inside that big strong burly man of yours is the desire for someone in a short skirt, shaking some pom-poms screaming his name.  And lest you get confused, I’m actually not talking about in the bedroom, although that would be nice too.

I’m talking about you being THE #1 CHEERLEADER on your man’s team.

The reason I said #1 and not ONLY is because whether you see the importance of it or not there are other women out there cheering for your man from the sidelines.  There are women out there cheering for him.   Believe it or not, they may not even have real intentions for you man, but they are noticing him.  They are liking his pictures online. They are complimenting him and noticing his efforts.  They notice his relationship status. They notice if he posts pictures of you together or not.  They may even visit your social media pages. They notice what kind of pictures you post.  They see if there is a plethora of PDA’s (Public Displays of Affection) or not.

I could go on but you should get the point.

Now if the first thought in your mind was, I don’t compete or ain’t nobody got time for that, then you certainly missed the point.  So let me repeat it.

I’m talking about you being THE #1 CHEERLEADER on your man’s team.

Does your man own a business?  Are you his #1 one promoter?  Do you have his business cards in your purse? Does everybody you know, know what your man does?

Take a minute, look at your social media pages, have you liked or shared more things of your kids than your man?  Are you quick to post or repost more things from a bunch of other people who really don’t mean anything to you?

Is your man in the public eye?  Is the “paparazzi” out parparazzing you?

If so then you might want to find out what your man’s favorite team is and go online and purchase an authentic cheerleading suit complete with pom-poms, do some stretches and leg lifts, write down some creative cheers, get your cheerleading on and Respect In Peace.

Ryan E. Poole
Relationship Artist.

Why These People Gave Their Cheating Partners Another Chance

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It’s all too easy to pass judgment when a public figure or someone you know decides to stand by a significant other who’s cheated. I’d never stay with someone who betrayed my trust like that, you think, a little too sure of yourself.

The truth is, you never really know how you’ll respond to finding out about an affair until you’re in that unenviable position.

On Monday, Redditors on the TwoXChromosomes board shared how they responded after they discovered an affair. Many of them said they remained in the relationship, at least initially. It’s a decision many HuffPost Divorce readers said they made as well when we asked them to share their experiences on our Facebook page.

Below, nine reasons people stayed in relationships with a cheating partner.

1. She wasn’t sure she could go it alone.
“The first times, I stayed because I didn’t believe I could make it on my own. The last one I made him leave because I had realized I was worth more than the crumbs he was giving me. I showed my daughter what wasn’t acceptable to take from a man and my son what wasn’t acceptable to do to a woman.”

2. She didn’t think she could find a better partner.
“If anyone were to ask me in person, I would simply tell them it was because I was young and stupid. However, in truth, it was because I was afraid. I was scared that no one would ever love me again (he had been my first). And I was scared that he was it, that that was as good as it was ever going to get. Everyone around me cheated on their significant others so i started to think it was normal and something I would have to accept. And of course, I didn’t want to be alone. Thankfully I’ve changed since then. My insecurities definitely played a big role in how I handled that relationship, and while I’m thankful from all I learned from it, it was a hard lesson to understand.”

3. He initially hoped he’d grow to trust her again.
“I stayed only long enough to know I couldn’t trust her anymore. We gave it a try but I was honest with my ex and told her the trust was broken and it might never be regained … The ex was none to happy about it and had the nerve to ask me why I was ‘walking away.’ It was a strange question since it was it was her choice to cheat and lie, not mine.”

4. She wanted to help her partner overcome his weakness.
“My husband cheated on me emotionally four years ago. We weren’t married then — we had been dating for about a year. Four months before that, I had found nude pictures on his computer from some other girl. The first time, my world was shattered. One of the reasons I grew to love him as much as I did was because I never would’ve expected him to do anything like that. My trust was gone. I forgave him for the little mishap — I took it as remnants of his single life. Then, when I went away on a weekend trip, he had an overtly sexual conversation with a friend of his on Facebook. When I stumbled upon this, I was devastated. I can’t describe the hurt I felt. It was like someone had sucker punched me. I cried for days, weeks, months… and even now, four years later, I still cry.

And yet, I stayed with him. When I confronted him about it, he broke down in tears, telling me he needed help, that he was so sorry and didn’t know why he did it. Seeing him in tears made me want to take care of him. I feel that’s why I stayed with him. I loved him, I didn’t want to throw it all away without giving it another try. Since then, I’ve never had any reason to believe he is still cheating on me. I honestly feel that it was a lapse in judgment on his part and that he realizes how deeply he hurt me. But that trust is no longer there, not completely.”

5. She thought her partner was willing to change.
“I stayed for 14 years, through multiple occurrences. I left after what became the last time, when I asked him what we could change and what we could do to prevent this from happening again and his reply was, ‘Nothing. Its not like you’re ever going to leave.” I left that moment.'”

6. She felt sorry for him.
“I walked in on him with another girl. I couldn’t believe it was real and he was so sorry. So I decided to stay with him and it was genuinely the worst decision I’ve ever made. I spent a year on and off with him, knowing I should break it off but still really wanting him and what we originally had. I never trusted him again and I couldn’t forgive him. I’d think I had but then I’d get drunk and all the emotions I was suppressing because it easier that way began to bubble up and and I’d think, ‘How could you do that to me?’ We broke it off properly around four months ago and I’m still not over him but I’m getting progressively happier.”

7. She believed they could recover from his affair.
“I was still team marriage throughout the infidelity because I was hopeful that we could make it work. I decided to leave when his mistress called me and told me she was having his baby. The choice was obvious then: I had to go.”

8. She thought the relationship was worth saving.
“Love is a difficult path, and unfortunately we don’t always grow at the same rate as our partners. I stayed and I’m glad I did. I still have moments of reflecting back to the hurt but I don’t want to live there. It was a habit for him and I recognize people do dumb things for even dumber reasons. He didn’t want to be the person he had become. I wanted a stab at a relationship that had amazing chemistry. And so far, it’s working. The biggest thing we’ve both learned is that you have to keep working on your relationship and not give up on each other. We will not allow boredom to set in with us, because we’ve both experienced unfulfillment in relationships before and that ended in us seeking fulfillment externally. That’s what happens, sometimes. We both intend for that not to happen to us. The only guarantee in life is that everything changes, but we are still hopeful.”

9. She believed his apology was for real.
“I stayed because I thought his apology was genuine and he was serious about wanting to fix our relationship — and also because I didn’t think I could do better. I was really wrong.”

 

A Heart That Forgives

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heart-1I want a heart that forgives
A heart full of love
One with compassion just like Yours above
One that overcomes evil with goodness and love
Like it never happened, never holding a grudge
I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live
One that keeps loving over and over again
One that men can’t offend
Because Your Word is within
One that loves without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ
I want a heart that loves everybody….even my enemies
I want to love like You, be like You, just like You did
I want a heart that forgives,

I want a heart that forgives!
When the ones that are closest, that I’ve known the longest, hurt me the most;
I still wanna love them just like You love me
Even though I’m hurting
I want a heart that forgives
When the pain is so deep, it’s so hard to speak, about it to anyone
Just like Your Son, I give up my right to hold it against them with hatred inside
I want a heart that loves everybody….even my enemies
I wanna love like You, be like You, just like You did
Wanna walk like You, talk like You, just like You did,
Wanna be like You, live like You, just like You did

‘Cause the heart that forgives is the heart that will live
Totally free from the pain of the past
And the heart that lets go is the heart that will know so much freedom

Lord I wanna let it go
God I need to let it go
Lord its been holding me back
And I don’t want it, I don’t want it, I don’t
I don’t want it no more
I don’t know exactly what to do to get rid of it, but ah…
Here I am Lord Jesus, here I am ohh, here I am Lord Jesus…ohh
Lord I need You, I need You, I know this is me that You’re talking to
This is me, this is me, this is me Lord, this is me
Lord I let it go, every person, every person that’s ever hurt me
God I let it go
Every single hurt
God I let it go
Every single pain
God I let it go, I let it go, I let it go
Lord You can have it, Lord You can have it,
Lord You can have it, Lord You can have it,
You can have it now, You can have it now,
‘Cause I don’t want it no……more

 

Why Men Cheat

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cheating_truthCounselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity.

What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife’s point of view. Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask the guys? he thought. So for his new book, The Truth About Cheating, Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men’s infidelity — including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. “Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex,” Neuman says. “But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they’re appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they’re trying to get things right.” The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won’t always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. “Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked,” Neuman says. “But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness — and once you set the tone, he’s likely to match it.”

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

The implications are a little scary: It isn’t just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they’d be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn’t done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn’t enough to stop a man from cheating. “Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings,” Neuman explains. “They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later.” So even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don’t assume it can’t happen. It’s important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he’s subconsciously telling himself: My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it. You can’t simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values — it’ll create an environment that supports marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

“Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts,” Neuman says. “That’s another reason why it’s so critical that he feel valued at home.” Luckily, there’s a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it’s time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn’t okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it’s only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he’d feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

In other words, a man doesn’t stray because he thinks he’ll get better sex with a better-looking body. “In most cases, he’s cheating to fill an emotional void,” Neuman says. “He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride.” If you’re worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. (But know that sex does matter — it’s one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating — especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead in bringing your marriage to a better place. Don’t hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate sex more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what’s going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try, “I think we’ve started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don’t want it to disappear.” In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

Originally published on September 09, 2008

When A Woman Doesn’t Respect A Man

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In Got Respect 1.0, I zeroed in on statement in the song made popular by Percy Sledge.  “When a Man Loves a Woman” —— “she can do no wrong.”  For the most part that is true except for one thing.  Not talking about adultery.  Committing adultery is a woman’s unpardonable sin.  But for a man there is a sin even above adultery that is harder for her to recover from.

When a woman does not respect a man is the one thing, the one line that a woman cannot cross safely.

You see last time we talked about how deep a man’s love is for a woman in contrast to popular demand.  Usually when we think of the vastness of love and who loves harder it is attributed to a woman.  We could debate about who loves more.  Personally I don’t think it is possible for one to love MORE than the other but there are times where love is not 100% mutual.  In other words she may be at 90% and he may be at 40% but the most either one of them can give is 100%.

Anyhoo

Notice something that we talked about before.

God commands the Husband to love his Wife unconditionally.

BUT

God NEVER commands the Wife to love her Husband unconditionally.

God commands the Wife to RESPECT her Husband unconditionally.
i.e. respect his position as her head.

It is not a if he deserves it kind of thing.   It is a because of the role that God has given him and you have chosen to acknowledge and accept by becoming his wife kind of thing.

Remember “Love Honor and Obey”

Before God and all those witnesses you said “I DO”

Did you know what you were saying I DO too?

 

When a Man Loves a Woman

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“When a Man Loves a Woman” was the name of a very popular secular song recorded by Percy Sledge.

The lyrics read

percy-sledge-264x300When a man loves a woman
Can’t keep his mind on nothing else
He’ll trade the world
For the good thing he’s found
If she’s bad he can’t see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He’d give up all his comfort
Sleep out in the rain
If she said that’s the way it ought to be

Well, this man loves a woman
I gave you everything I had
Trying to hold on to your precious love
Baby, please don’t treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Down deep in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she plays him for a fool
He’s the last one to know
Loving eyes can’t ever see

When a man loves a woman
He can do no wrong
He can never own some other girl
Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
‘Cause baby, baby, baby, you’re my world

When a man loves a woman

In it’s own way I believe this song describes how deeply a man is capable of loving a woman.  “She can do no wrong.”  If he truly loves her, he can even get over her committing adultery because a man understands that sex does not equal love.  Yep here’s your #WTHDHJS for the day

You read right there is a sin WORSE than adultery to a man. There are several examples of this in the Bible –

The Levite’s Concubine

Judges 19

  1. And it came to pass in those days, when there was no king in Israel, that there was a certain Levite staying in the remote mountains of Ephraim. He took for himself a concubine from Bethlehem in Judah.
  2. But his concubine played the harlot against him, and went away from him to her father’s house at Bethlehem in Judah, and was there four whole months.
  3. Then her husband arose and went after her, to speak kindly to her and bring her back, having his servant and a couple of donkeys with him.
  4. So she brought him into her father’s house; and when the father of the young woman saw him, he was glad to meet him. Now his father-in-law, the young woman’s father, detained him; and he stayed with him three days. So they ate and drank and lodged there.

Another more famous example is the story of Hosea and Gomer

Hosea and Gomer 

Hosea 3

  1. Lord unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the Lord toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.
  2. So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley:

So if you start over in chapter 1 you will see that God instructed Hosea to marry a prostitute. He tells him to marry her because their relationship was to be a symbol of God’s marriage to His people Israel.  Her name was Gomer and they had three children.

In Bible times the names given to children ALWAYS had a significant meaning.  The names of the last two children that they had seem to suggest that these children where conceived from Gomer committing adultery.  Needless to say Hosea had grounds for divorce.  As God divorced Israel for spiritual adultery so Hosea divorced Gomer for physical adultery.

But notice in chapter 3 where God tells Hosea to go and get her (Gomer) back.  Not only does this brother go and get her and have to forgive her but he has to purchase her.    Just like God came and purchased us back with His Son.

Don’t have room for a full Bible study here but the point is a man’s love is so fierce that he can even get over adultery.

Society usually attributes fierce and unwavering love to a woman and rightly so.

However, notice something.  The song says that “she can do no wrong”  but that she can do no wrong is actually the only part of this song that is not true.

He can get over her sleeping around and look past 1000 other sins that she commits against him BUT

and there’s always a but 🙂

There is ONE wrong that if she crosses that line there is another secular song that comes time – something about that line being thin or something like that but that’s another post too.

That ONE thing that she can do wrong is

NOT RESPECT HIM!

Notice I did not say disrespect him.  Because in relationships there will be times where he feels disrespected or she may say or do something to disrespect him and he will give her a pass for most of those.

But if she does not respect him or should I say be careful to maintain and exercise respect for him…

She will get excommunicated physically, mentally and spiritually.

Are there any Biblical examples of this

That’s a good question.

I’m glad you asked.

Stay tuned for

Got Respect  2.0 > When a Woman Does Not Respect A Man!

Read ’em and Reap

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After 18+ yeas of marriage I can give this small word of caution to young women looking to get married

READ AND UNDERSTAND YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS!

To Have and to Hold
(that means intimacy (including sex) should not be a reward or punishment)

For Better or for Worse
(that means when times are good and when they become your worse nightmare)

For Richer or for Poorer
(that means when he is not bringing in the money you still support and uplift him)

In Sickness and in Health
(that includes when he is discouraged and despondent and unsure of himself)

Love, Honor, and Obey
(that means unconditional respect for the man’s position as head regardless of whether you think he is worthy or not)

Forsaking all others
(that means turning 100% of your internal attention to your husband)

As long as you both shall live till death do you part
(that one should be self explanatory )

And what God has joined together let no man or woman put asunder
( that means you do what is necessary to keep some other woman from gaining his attention)

They are all EQUALLY important not just the ones that you deem unpardonable or deal breakers.

How many times have I heard people say If I would have known this – I wouldn’t gotten married.

But as one song writer says “It takes EVERYTHING to serve the Lord.”

If you are not ready to be placed in a position that calls forth the very evil of your nature and you have to choose to die COMPLETELY to self and exchange

Me Myself and I

for

We Ourselves and Us

Stay Single > Cause you’re not ready….

Real Live!

7 of the greatest needs of a man.

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Respect – This is number one! I would even be emphatic and say every time. In my experience, men are using a different word that means this if they say it isn’t! Ephesians 5:33 says, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” God knew what He was talking about. Men want to know that they are respected by their wives above every other person. Every man feels this internal pressure to excel. We need to be successful at least one place in our life. If we can’t feel that respect in our home, we will find that somewhere else.

Ladies, you want your husband to love you unconditionally. Are you willing to respect him unconditionally? You probably aren’t always extremely “lovable.” (I can say that through my blog where I’d be afraid to say it in person—but you know it’s true.) He’s probably not always respectable. Do you want to be loved any less when you aren’t at your “best”? Neither does he in the area of respect.

Admiration – Men want to be desirable to their wives. That’s physically, but in other ways too. Are we strong enough—masculine enough for you? Do we meet all your expectations in a man? If our wife is always commenting on the sexier man in the movies or the more successful man in the world, we certainly will not feel admired. As an example, if a family struggles financially and the wife complains about it all the time, the man hears that as “I’m not good enough.” The greatest assurance of the fact that we have “what it takes” comes from our wives. Men who don’t sense this will often quit trying.

Ladies, if your husband’s success was proportional to your admiration of him—and the communication of that admiration—how successful will he be?

Peace and Tranquility — I get in trouble with this one, but men want their home to be a place to prepare for the world—they want to be able to relax. Men, that is never an excuse for laziness! (Laziness is a sin by the way.) I know this can be an ouch statement, but men want their wives to be their wife, and not their mother! Plus, and this is so important to understand, nagging never accomplishes what the wife hopes it will. It may get done what you wanted done, but not with the heart or attitude you hoped to go with the action. (If you are raising boys, remember this!)

Ladies, is your home a place of peace and tranquility? Someone said the wife/mother is the thermostat of the home? If that’s true, how comfortable are we living?

Commitment – Yes, men want this too! They want to know they are number one with you. Men don’t want to see their wife looking at other men or hear them commenting on how wonderful another man may be. They want to know you are faithful only to them. (Can you women tell we have shallow and fragile egos?)

Ladies, does your husband know he’s number one to you—that no man could ever take his place?

Acceptance/Participation – Husbands aren’t really looking for a wife who will try to change them. Granted many men need changing, but the Biblical way to do this is through prayer and modeling change for us. Men also want our wives to appreciate our hobbies and interests, since it is so much a part of who we are as men. You don’t have to love golf, but to know that the lower score is the better is a great plus when we come home after a good game. He’ll need to brag to someone. He’s hoping that someone is you.

Ladies, would your husband say you’re his biggest fan?

Be able to lead – Most men want to lead in their home, but don’t really know how. The wife should allow her husband to make some mistakes and not criticize us when we can’t do something as well as you can (which we know is many things!). If we take the effort to fix the bed, don’t go behind us and straighten the comforter (or at least don’t let us see you doing it). If we find we can’t compete in an area, we just quit trying. Applaud what we do right, and we’ll try harder to please. We really do want to succeed!

Ladies, are you allowing your husband to sense your satisfaction in his abilities to lead? If you want him to lead, ask yourself, are you willing to follow if he does?

An emotional release – I saved the hardest for last. Most men do not know how to function in a highly emotional context. So, when our wives are upset, we panic. We move into a “fixing” mode, which is usually counter-productive. When you are emotionally upset, for whatever reason, and you know it isn’t his fault, it’s helpful if you can just let him know the two of you are okay, he didn’t necessarily do anything wrong, it’s not his fault, and there is nothing he needs to do to fix it.

Ladies, does your husband ever feel responsible for your emotions that are completely out of his control?

Men, that is my list. What would you add?

Ron Edmondson pastors Immanuel Baptist Church. Find out more at: http://www.ronedmondson.com/about

Enjoli

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I don’t eat bacon but Enjoli had it right way back in the 80’s